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Even the seasoned parent needs a little help dealing with common
parenting issues. We've got a great go-to guide full of tips and advice
for all those challenging situations.
Parents tend to see their mission as helping their kids succeed. But
there's a growing realization among teachers and other professionals who
work with children that kids increasingly need help learning how to
fail.
Not learning to tolerate failure leaves kids vulnerable to anxiety.
It leads to meltdowns when the inevitable failure does occur, whether it
happens in preschool or college. And perhaps even more important, it
can make kids give up trying or trying new things.
That's why Michael Jordan, one of the world's greatest athletes, has
spent years preaching the importance of losing. Jordan has spoken
extensively about how perseverance and resilience in the face of
challenges on and off the court are what have made him a winner.
Unfortunately, as the world puts increased pressure on kids to be
winners, and parents feel compelled to enable them in every way
possible, we're seeing more and more kids who become distraught over
even the smallest misstep. I want to draw out an example from a story.
Take Angela and her son, who started
taking piano lessons at 6. "Every time he played a wrong note he would
pick up the music booklet and hit himself on the head with it!" she
says. "His piano teacher said she'd never seen a kid who was so hard on
himself. I told him when he made a mistake to treat himself the way he'd
treat his younger cousin, that no one can learn if someone's being mean
to them, and that he wasn't allowed to be mean to himself."
When Susan daughter, Precious was 14, she became so distraught over not getting into a selective high school, while friends did, she began to self-harm. "It was so terrible: the pressure, the disappointment," says Susan.
Clearly, distress or frustration tolerance is an important life skill
to master. When it comes to school, "the ability to tolerate
imperfection that something is not going exactly your way is oftentimes
more important to learn than whatever the content subject is," says Dr.
Amanda Mintzer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.
"Building that skill set is necessary for kids to be able to become more
independent and succeed in future endeavors, whether it's personal
goals, academic goals, or just learning how to effectively deal with
other people."
So how do parents teach kids to fail? Dr. Mintzer offers a multistep process:
Empathize with your child; see that she's in distress. "Don't just
say, 'It's okay, you'll do better next time,'" Dr. Mintzer says. "It's
invalidating to brush off a child's feelings of frustration and
disappointment." Instead, parents need to change their language: "I see
you're really disappointed, I know you really wanted to do better."
Make yourself a model
You can explain that failure is a part of life and happens to everyone,
even you. You could share examples of "failures" you've had. "Parents
can model how to handle their own disappointment," such as losing out on
a promotion at work, Dr. Mintzer says. "Kids aren't necessarily exposed
to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even
failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan,
it's important to teach our children that it is also okay when they
don't."
Make it a teachable moment For your Children
A child's failure is a chance for parents to teach acceptance and
problem-solving skills. You and your child can try to come up with what
she could do the next time for a better chance at success. For instance,
could she study differently or talk to the teacher about any problems
she's having before a test?
"It's a balance of acceptance and change," Dr. Mintzer says. "It's
about accepting that the situation is what it is and building
frustration tolerance while also asking, 'Can we change something in the
future. Can we learn from this?'"
The minefield of social media
At the same time, kids need to know that sometimes when we fail or
face disappointment, there's not a lot we can do about it in that
moment; we have to accept it as a part of life and move on. Dr. Mintzer
notes as an example the minefield that is social media.
Say a girl's friends tell her they can't hang out with her and then she sees them together on Instagram or Facebook.
"That really hurts," Dr. Mintzer says. "There are lots of emotions:
frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger. How does she deal with
that? Calling friends and screaming at them only makes things worse. She
could ignore it and pretend she never saw, but that's not going to make
her feel better or change what happens in the future."
So how can a parent help her accept what happened? The girl might be
able to get more information to make herself feel better. Perhaps she
can talk to these kids in a calm way, telling them that she saw the
photos and her feelings were hurt. Maybe she'll discover a reason behind
it. But she may not get an answer she likes, or get one at all.
That leads to another life lesson: Sometimes we get left out,
sometimes we aren't liked, and we have to learn to cope with that
truth without making the situation
worse. Dr. Mintzer notes, "A lot of
these skills are needed for interpersonal relationships.
"Step back and allow kids to fail
It can be very tough to watch your child fall down but she can only
learn how to handle disappointment through trial and error. As books
like The Blessings of a Skinned Knee and the newly released Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed emphasize,
parents must stop hovering. Otherwise, they rob children of the very
experiences that require problem-solving and set them on the path to
resilience and the confidence to take on new challenges.
Therapy can help
If a child can't function because of a fear of failure, therapy may
be called for. Even if a child doesn't have an anxiety diagnosis, she
may be frozen with anxiety. When that happens, Dr. Mintzer says, with
what's called exposure therapy, "we slowly expose them to things that
aren't perfect."
For instance, parents will complain that homework takes forever
because a child will repeatedly rip it up and start over. "We're
teaching kids that it's okay to misspell a word and keep going," she
says. "In a session we might have them write a paragraph or two and make
as many mistakes as they can, including sloppy handwriting, to get them
used to the idea that it 's not the end of the world."
"We're saying," she adds, "'We're going to practice making mistakes.
We know, it's uncomfortable for you, and we also know that with
practice, you can learn how tolerate it.'"
Parents have more ways to help their kids move beyond failure.
When Susan discovered Precious's self-harming, she tried to set her up
for success by enrolling her in a small, private school. She
also got Precious into therapy and tried to give her the time and support to
"figure things out," allowing her the chance to feel proud of herself
when she did.
Susan says Precious, now about to start her junior year, "just told me
she's so glad she went there instead of one of the selective
enrollments. At the time, it seemed to her like a huge failure to be
rejected by those schools. But she's much happier now, no self-harming
and displaying resiliency."
Learning to fail can be painful. But kids will only succeed if they
can acquire the skill to handle whatever life throws their way.
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